(Spring 2007)
You know what, I would rather have you die than see you damaged, being damaged by yourself. It's the fact, everybody will be damaged, sooner or later but watching you... I don't know if you understand. This is may not for you either, I'm just talking with the person who loves me or at least once knew he loved me. I say 'who loves me', not whom I love. You and I, we're projections. You have so many faces, I know. I don't know why I believe it's you the person whom I've seen for years. You know I see everybody good and nice and you know how I see you. Are you or parts of you, by any chance shaped by the way I've looked at you? I can't say logical things and especially to you, I can't say logically. After all, what's emotional should not be rational. As I told you the day when you told me you felt good talking to another girl, you could talk things that you did not normally talk to anybody, even to me, at that moment I just felt happy for you. On the way walking, I imagined you and her, that girl. And I would rather see you, be happy with whoever will be your wife in the future, with your family because that's what I've been imagining about you since we had our first date. I also told you later that I felt as a loser but it's the feeling existing for a short time. I'm now again myself. I still smile and laugh. I still feel thankful to be in this world and I know what I want to have. I haven't changed, I don't change, I can't. And because you're the projection of me, I don't want to see you change even though I know everything does change. Time flies and people die but somehow, I still believe in 'the four seasons', the fact that everything changes and then turns back again. People after all don't change but thanks to those, they realize how precious and beautiful things are.
I told you that I would delete everything about you when you get engaged. When I delete, it's forever. Things just should exist when they're in necessity. My heart still bounces when I see you, by any means. I still can imagine I talk to you and turn away coz I can't restrain the tears inside me. I don't want you to see that because you no longer love me. You won't hold me and pull me toward you. I know my love was just a selfish thing when I was with you. I need the feeling of being protected. I feel a shelter being with you, inside you. I may have tried to convince myself that you were for me. But if it's not that... You can't hold me, you can't put me into you if you don't love me. We did not communicate much when we were with each other. Yet don't you think it was the communion when you wanted my skin to go under yours, when I breathed you while you were trying to put my body into you? One day, I thought that it would be so releasing for me if I would not meet you again. I'll forget them all. I know I have that ability. But I still have to meet you, it's the fact. We can not run away from each other for good, we can't deny each other's presence.
I probably haven't loved you. 'Coz I don't know when it started. How could I feel protected being with you the first time if I didn't know you and the 'you-and-me'. I sometimes think I can never be loved anymore. Nobody will accept me if he knows I've loved you this much, if I actually have had. People say about 'virgin', I don't consider I am as 'we are more than our physical body'. You and I, will be detached, will be without-feelings persons when we meet again as you no longer love me. It was funny when you said you could still arisen my feelings. You can't. As I said, they're projected, you can't do it if you don't have your own feelings. I'm again talking about feelings. I have, for many times wished I didn't have them. Then I wouldn't be a human any more, I would be some substance, without shape. I've gone find for those so-called 'feelings'. I've realized that I did have those, not only with you. But that's that. Those people are friends, whom I treasure too, still they're not you. I've realized that once targets and goals are set, it will be much easier to get what I'm looking for. Setting goals is somehow like turning some emotional things into rational. To get rational things is easier, a lot, not like those worthly-cursed emotions, which I have to you.
You and I, separate persons. So don't consider what I have been talking is for you, to you. I just talk to the one who knows that he loves me, knowing, not feeling. As feelings can turn their back and go for a walk, come back or not but acknowlegement is another thing. Yet, knowing ourselves is difficult, I understand.
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