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This entry is especially for me. It's not for anyone else, or about living experience and so on and so forth. It's just about me, being happy.

I came to the office for a while, after finishing everything and returning the key to the housing company. There was no feeling for the place I have lived since November 2005. I had been sad, when I came back there to pick up some stuff, when there were a few things left. I sat on a couch, an old couch bought in a second hand shop that Zillah and me went to. I like watching the TV, which I bought for 25 euros, built in DVD player. The woman's husband helped me and my brother bring it to Central Station. But we had a hard time managing to bring it from the tram station in Zuiderzeeweg into the house. Now I leave the TV there. I like mornings when I watched CNBC, reading Financial Times. My breakfast were mostly with brown bread, a special one which really matched with English orange marmalade. There were nights when I came back from work, watching movies or Sex and the City, lying on the blue coach which I don't remember how it was brought to the place. And when I had a boyfriend, an office job, I came back home watching TV for a while, not so much though, but still I like to watch Quest means Business on CNN. That seemed to be the memories, the memories I had for myself. I'm not sure if my boyfriend remember anything about that place. He doesn't have good memory of his old childhood which makes him not as nostalgic as I am. He said the old place had value because of me. Yet, to me, that place was home and I know I need a place to feel home wherever I live.

Today the weather was humid. It looks like it's going to rain from the morning, but it has not. I'm off from work since this is my moving day. In Holland, you got a day off when you move, or have a funeral, or a wedding. I don't even know the rule in Vietnam. But there's no rule there. I remember my mom came home during her working days since she had to do grocery. There were no supermarket at that time. I like going to the supermarket with her when I was home from abroad. The supermarket, the Metro, in my city was big. There are a lot of fresh vegies, fish, and the smell of the bread just out of the oven. There were people standing in line to buy hot, roasted poultries. My mom spent a lot of money there. I liked it and missed it coz I couldn't afford to buy that much in a supermarket in the Netherlands. And I had to carry them home all by myself. There we have a scooter, or we take a cab, which was not expensive compared with my parents' salary, although we are just above mid-income.

This morning I was on tram 1 heading from Meer en Vaart to Central Station. It's a very ordinary ride. But there were not so many people as there are during rush hour and I didn't spend time with my iPhone. I was thinking my mother would love the city. I hope she will, when she comes to visit me. Houses here are small, and in the centre, they are not standing straight. But they are typical Amsterdam. Yesterday night, it was windy. I crossed the road from AH, the one near Magna Plaza. I heard a woman voice saying: "This place is nowhere compared to NY." I turned defensive inside. I love this place, I don't know the reason why. Now that I'm working and I have to spend some unpleasant time on trams 1 hour per day. I've changed and I have been busy that sometimes I'm not happy when I see myself not motivated, the girl who loves lives and people, who goes and is happy with every breath inhaled.

Facebook keeps me updated with people and help me share a lot of things. But I don't like going there sometimes. I see friends in Vietnam getting married. I see them hanging out, spending their lives for immaterial purpose. It's good, but it's not practical. I've turned further from them. A few have more than a thousand friends. One of them I had dinner with. I wondered if she spent more than one thousand dinners with all of them... Or sometimes I see the pictures of them gathering, with their kids. A few with their new home, as they've just got married. They are at 24, at my age. It's happiness for them. If I lived there, it would be a wonderful life for me, to be married, having a home and hanging out with friends. However, since I'm here, my conception is different. I can't dedicate my time to one person, to a home at my age. I'm not a party type of person. I like spending time with my boyfriend but I know there's time needed for both of us, for personal growth and personal space. And that I'm not mature. And that I want to travel, to meet people, to take pictures, to write. I can't be committed myself. I need time and the memories that we have had and will have to stay with a person.
With my colleagues here, the ones I like don't like to share everything on the Internet. I like that. I like not showing off. So, I don't communicate a lot with them there. I don't have pictures taken with them, even though with a few of them, I feel there are personal relationship. I would still like to keep in touch with them when I don't live in the Netherlands. Yet, I know part of the reason I don't have a lot of communication with them is that I'm not really integrated into the society. I won't, probably, if I live in Vietnam either. I could have a lot of social networking, knowing thousand people. It was me, when I was aware of myself. I listened to people, being diplomatic, hypocrite,... I attended parties, meetings and conferences. I liked it, sometimes. But it was only for half a year. I was not sure and still not sure now if I can live that life for all my life.
Somehow, I have the idea of people are different in different groups. Their communication style can be different, as a 'red', 'blue', or 'yellow' person, depending on the people and the society they interact with. This, however, should be taken into account in social relationship level, not personal level. I hope I will have a chance to explain it in the future.

I'm in a cafe, the place where I often write. This is surrounded by faculties of University of Amsterdam. There are a lot of students coming here. I'm sitting near a man, with a laptop as well. I would go to Chinatown, to buy glutinous rice, Vietnamese sausage and a few things. I just know that walking there and buying some grocery in idly make me happy. I'm missing chi Lan, Khoai's mother. She wrote me a few lines during the lunar new year. I hope the family's stuff will come soon to Houston. She had a lot of things ready for Tet that she didn't have to cook over there. I would love to talk to her now. It will be about their life. Finally, I've got to the practical life, caring about how my friends settle down and live, rather than hanging out, travelling, feelings,...

I'm gonna stop soon. My thoughts are not in order. I'll spend time reorganize them, I hope, in the future. If they're not going to be so, I will be happy doing something else. :)

Being a Foreigner

I wish I have more time for writing. Yet the time and the situation dont allow me. I work 8h/day. I still have time back home but it's more interesting and meaningful to get to know and stay closed with ppl around me. And, the down to earth stories they talk about and those they watch on TV. I dont really have a timeline for my project. But, I hope these days will add up to my book of life, of being an insider and an outsider, to both my mother country and the foreign country. There are times I feel Im out of the world. I guess, there is a so called 'transition' year(s); like places between stairs, that you can rest can continue climbing.


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Resolutions

I forgot, or I'm not in the mood of writing. I was thinking of my uncle while he said I shouldn't return to the place where I can't change the situation. Yes, I still want to learn and develop myself. So I wont think of going backward. I was happy after being stressed, painful and cranky physically and mentally. I was happy to be on the street, seeing people. I was in the book store, reading cooking books. One was about Japanese healthy eating and the other one was in Srilanka. The opening of the book showed people, in the middle was a smile of a boy and his family. The book shows how to make curry and different kind of thing cooked with curry. I would love to do the same thing for Vietnamese food. I would go back to my father' hometown, Hue to learn making diiferent kind of salty cakes and spicy food. I always wish to travel around, to meet people and learn about their culinary. Will I be on my own to meet people? At least my boyfriend likes eating and photography so he can go with me. I like people and want to learn about people. But I'm not friendly as my bf. :-) I've been writing and it hadnt been saved before he called. But it's good. I was writing nice words and I talked to him badly, like I sometimes keep doing. I'm going to stop, I'm not going to go back. I will stay in the place where I feel free and I will stay because I know I will travel, eventually. I will come what may, for the moment, even though I believe fate is made by the individual, mostly. And I will never think negatively. To reduce negative thought sounds not so strong. I wont think negative, even though I do have problems. Being happy, friendly, and free of mind is the bliss, and a goal to reach, and maintain.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

February 2010

http://www.fridaycafe.com/2010/01/holgamoon/

(My best friends' honeymoon).

I'm not sure if having feeling is good, and sense, toward a few things that are like a sense for the future. It was so trivial that I moved when seeing the album photo for her, for him while they were happy and are happy. Sense and feeling are worthless, in the context, aren't they?

I'm happy that I like jazz and there's still Nina Simone. I'm excited to move and to share a new place with a nice, cool single-mom girl. And that my boyfriend is still holding me when I turn incomprehensible, even to myself.

There's nothing else matters.