in the middle of somewhere

I've been sometimes thinking about chi Lan (Khoai's mother) or chi Linh, who is two years older than me and was happily married two years ago, and my girlfriends who have got married, and those who are single. A few among the latter are successful, to people's perception. To me, I'd prefer those who have a happy family. Of course, it's told that as a modern and independent girls/ women, your happiness shouldn't depend on a guy. It's true. But when it comes to family, it's you who decide the happiness of the family, or at least, it's you to choose the right one to marry. Words are easier than actions, though. To a lot of girls, I just can find the reason of them being lucky not to have the wrong one(s). It seems to me, when I am getting older, that you cannot choose your fate. Like, before you were born, there were fates on the sky and God just plugged you in that life. I have turned Asian-minded after years of living on my own abroad. Isn't it strange?

I'm a difficult person, and stubborn even though sometimes I'm nice and adaptive. I am so when I'm aware of myself. Once in a while, I tell myself that I am lucky, to have my boyfriend with me. Because, he is a happy person, and he doesn't think much, like me. My life seems to turn to what I had imagined: a normal life. I thought it would be happy. In fact, I still see it so. A 'normal' life of a girl, to my perception is not having too much in a career, that you don't work for a bank or any financial institutions all days that make you forget about what you can do except work. A normal life contains love and attachment to other person(s). I have a job in a nice company, in the centre of Amsterdam, a start-up company that you find things to do yourself in an industry that has been changing so much and it will still be, in more than 5 years. I, myself like people and I like my colleague. I just don't know where the feeling of belonging doesn't exist in me. I don't belong to the industry, or don't I belong to the young society in the Netherlands? I don't think the latter, but the former. Yet, I have never been working for a bank in the Netherlands although I was going to. If I had worked there, probably, some day I would find out I need to be outside. I am not really a type of an office worker. Yet again, to be really something or nothing is better than in the middle, where I am now, in a casual environment but still, it's office, numbers which don't require a lot of creativity or sympathy and love for people.

I want to go home, sometimes, very much. My home is where my mother and my younger brother live, and where I used to go to the beach with my family two or three times per week in the summer. My home is where I can have food coming from the sea, where I can breath the sea into my chest. Yet, when I've turned more grown-up, it's difficult to do so. I cannot just leave what I have here (in the Netherlands) and what I have some responsibility on (my work and to some extent, my boyfriend). There's one thing I know, my boyfriend is more than a 'boyfriend'. That our lives are to be met, not for short-term. I have a girlfriend. She's purely girl and she enjoys writing, mostly about girls and love. I don't, even though I used to. Relationship can be tiring, especially when you're in love, and distant. Yet, being in love and to love a person is different. You won't leave a person unless that person turns different to you. I don't say 'unless that person changes' since everyone changes and that is necessary.

What I meant with 'my life seems to turn normal' is that I will travel, have a family, and to go to work still, taken into account that the world will still be fine in years to come, without so many natural disasters or crimes. On an on, I still have to learn to content with myself while still keep some space for my own development, the reason why I don't come back to my hometown or to Vietnam at the moment. (Where time is mostly spent on social networking and other things that you can't control, like traffic trams). I will, probably be an ordinary woman and if that's true, I will work with people and for people after some efforts.

off

This entry is especially for me. It's not for anyone else, or about living experience and so on and so forth. It's just about me, being happy.

I came to the office for a while, after finishing everything and returning the key to the housing company. There was no feeling for the place I have lived since November 2005. I had been sad, when I came back there to pick up some stuff, when there were a few things left. I sat on a couch, an old couch bought in a second hand shop that Zillah and me went to. I like watching the TV, which I bought for 25 euros, built in DVD player. The woman's husband helped me and my brother bring it to Central Station. But we had a hard time managing to bring it from the tram station in Zuiderzeeweg into the house. Now I leave the TV there. I like mornings when I watched CNBC, reading Financial Times. My breakfast were mostly with brown bread, a special one which really matched with English orange marmalade. There were nights when I came back from work, watching movies or Sex and the City, lying on the blue coach which I don't remember how it was brought to the place. And when I had a boyfriend, an office job, I came back home watching TV for a while, not so much though, but still I like to watch Quest means Business on CNN. That seemed to be the memories, the memories I had for myself. I'm not sure if my boyfriend remember anything about that place. He doesn't have good memory of his old childhood which makes him not as nostalgic as I am. He said the old place had value because of me. Yet, to me, that place was home and I know I need a place to feel home wherever I live.

Today the weather was humid. It looks like it's going to rain from the morning, but it has not. I'm off from work since this is my moving day. In Holland, you got a day off when you move, or have a funeral, or a wedding. I don't even know the rule in Vietnam. But there's no rule there. I remember my mom came home during her working days since she had to do grocery. There were no supermarket at that time. I like going to the supermarket with her when I was home from abroad. The supermarket, the Metro, in my city was big. There are a lot of fresh vegies, fish, and the smell of the bread just out of the oven. There were people standing in line to buy hot, roasted poultries. My mom spent a lot of money there. I liked it and missed it coz I couldn't afford to buy that much in a supermarket in the Netherlands. And I had to carry them home all by myself. There we have a scooter, or we take a cab, which was not expensive compared with my parents' salary, although we are just above mid-income.

This morning I was on tram 1 heading from Meer en Vaart to Central Station. It's a very ordinary ride. But there were not so many people as there are during rush hour and I didn't spend time with my iPhone. I was thinking my mother would love the city. I hope she will, when she comes to visit me. Houses here are small, and in the centre, they are not standing straight. But they are typical Amsterdam. Yesterday night, it was windy. I crossed the road from AH, the one near Magna Plaza. I heard a woman voice saying: "This place is nowhere compared to NY." I turned defensive inside. I love this place, I don't know the reason why. Now that I'm working and I have to spend some unpleasant time on trams 1 hour per day. I've changed and I have been busy that sometimes I'm not happy when I see myself not motivated, the girl who loves lives and people, who goes and is happy with every breath inhaled.

Facebook keeps me updated with people and help me share a lot of things. But I don't like going there sometimes. I see friends in Vietnam getting married. I see them hanging out, spending their lives for immaterial purpose. It's good, but it's not practical. I've turned further from them. A few have more than a thousand friends. One of them I had dinner with. I wondered if she spent more than one thousand dinners with all of them... Or sometimes I see the pictures of them gathering, with their kids. A few with their new home, as they've just got married. They are at 24, at my age. It's happiness for them. If I lived there, it would be a wonderful life for me, to be married, having a home and hanging out with friends. However, since I'm here, my conception is different. I can't dedicate my time to one person, to a home at my age. I'm not a party type of person. I like spending time with my boyfriend but I know there's time needed for both of us, for personal growth and personal space. And that I'm not mature. And that I want to travel, to meet people, to take pictures, to write. I can't be committed myself. I need time and the memories that we have had and will have to stay with a person.
With my colleagues here, the ones I like don't like to share everything on the Internet. I like that. I like not showing off. So, I don't communicate a lot with them there. I don't have pictures taken with them, even though with a few of them, I feel there are personal relationship. I would still like to keep in touch with them when I don't live in the Netherlands. Yet, I know part of the reason I don't have a lot of communication with them is that I'm not really integrated into the society. I won't, probably, if I live in Vietnam either. I could have a lot of social networking, knowing thousand people. It was me, when I was aware of myself. I listened to people, being diplomatic, hypocrite,... I attended parties, meetings and conferences. I liked it, sometimes. But it was only for half a year. I was not sure and still not sure now if I can live that life for all my life.
Somehow, I have the idea of people are different in different groups. Their communication style can be different, as a 'red', 'blue', or 'yellow' person, depending on the people and the society they interact with. This, however, should be taken into account in social relationship level, not personal level. I hope I will have a chance to explain it in the future.

I'm in a cafe, the place where I often write. This is surrounded by faculties of University of Amsterdam. There are a lot of students coming here. I'm sitting near a man, with a laptop as well. I would go to Chinatown, to buy glutinous rice, Vietnamese sausage and a few things. I just know that walking there and buying some grocery in idly make me happy. I'm missing chi Lan, Khoai's mother. She wrote me a few lines during the lunar new year. I hope the family's stuff will come soon to Houston. She had a lot of things ready for Tet that she didn't have to cook over there. I would love to talk to her now. It will be about their life. Finally, I've got to the practical life, caring about how my friends settle down and live, rather than hanging out, travelling, feelings,...

I'm gonna stop soon. My thoughts are not in order. I'll spend time reorganize them, I hope, in the future. If they're not going to be so, I will be happy doing something else. :)

Khoai

It's the name of the boy whom I changed diaper when he was one and a half year old. I went to America and came back after more than a year. He still remembered me. And then, it looked like nothing had changed. I went and came back. But now he's going to go, with his family, the family with whom I stayed for weeks when I was ill, a family where I often stayed in the weekend in Delft, coming from busy A'dam.

I tell myself in my relationship, it's very good that I stay rational, even when I can't control myself. It's good that my relationship is fun and interesting, that makes me stay away from thinking, from being too emotional, to do something else. To what extent a person can be so nostalgic?

There's another family who are friends of mine, everyone in the family is in the same zodiac as Khoai's. I am so superstitious and unreasonable to see they have a lot of things in common, especially when they say Taurus and Cancer make the best family, and the lucky, adventurous life of the boys born in December. And now, one has come back to Vietnam, the other one will be in the US soon. I am telling myself that I will look at Khoai's clips when I miss him. I'm not sure how many times I will watch it. I will be busy with my own, with spending time with my boyfriend, my mother, my brother and good time with my colleagues. It's just life, people come and go...

I am not sure, in the end, being adventurous will bring happiness. It's just the way people choose for themselves, since they're not happy with other ways of living. It's good that people don't set high standards and requirements right from the beginning but develop plan and new things during the journey. But to some people, like me, sometimes unhappiness or satisfaction comes as the vision we have. In the end, I've learned not to expect a lot.

childhood

It's amazing and touching to see a photo back then when my little brother was dressed up. How my mom has been taking care of her children, up until now. I owe her so much. Writing is not what I can do for her, or anyone that are indeed closed to me.