You will never see

(December 2007)

I didn’t intend to write though I wanted to. I preferred things to pass by, as a lot of things had passed. But I received a message, just a message passed around to everyone. It has the title ‘a little warm’, and Christmas is coming.

Sai Gon is splendid these days. Yesterday, after work I spent time with my colleague and her friend. She is one year older than me; I didn’t consider her as having experienced than me to call her ‘chi’ when she first joined HSBC. And she has a voice from the northern mountain of the country while later on I found out that she left there for HCMC since she was four. She wanted to keep that voice. I’m not sure what have made me talk to her quite a lot. I have turned a lot easier in communicating with people, but somehow, I’m still difficult, difficult in the context of arrogant and picky, a habit from a little girl with high prizes from the city since I was 4.

From the Notre Dames, or more precisely, from the building where we work, Metropolitan, we walk down along Dong Khoi street. The street is one of the most expensive area not only in Vietnam, but the world. Actually, before that, my colleague, whose name is Giang had had an appointment with her friend, a 23 years-old American guy. He is working at Johns Hopkins hospital, only five minutes by bus from my school in the US. The word ‘appointment’ may not express the meaning. But to call a ‘date’ is incorrect because they are friends although he has been to Vietnam three times, not to travel but to meet her. I knew that after talking with him while she was absent for 3 minutes.

I could tell for pages here what we did, with the gorgeous Sai Gon downtown, with Christmas tree, red, green, white x’mas, from sophisticated small shops to plazas. But the reason me and Giang went for a walk downtown, which not a lot of residents do (instead they go by motorbike) in this city is just because ‘we follow the mood’. Yesterday I was telling her what I did in the last two Christmases.

The bank is going to have a Christmas decoration, with the theme ‘Santa’s secret’. If I am to decorate, I would like it to have the theme ‘X’mas is all around. Love is all around’. I guess it’s kind of too popular and too classic everyone has known. But really, I don’t know why when x’mas comes, I feel the need of love.

I used to buy sparkling paper to made stars. People make stars and put in a glass bottle. Some of them make stars and make wishes. Giang asked me if I write any wish and I said no. I do not have a thought that my wishes will come true just by chance or by any sudden luck. I just make them as there was a day I suddenly wanted to do so, a habit of 4 or 5 years ago.

Yesterday night when I came back home after going with Giang and her friend, an idea occurred to me. The simpler the outside of a person is, the more complicated the inside. A lot of things, after weighting are equal to zero. I am, therefore a simple person. Till yesterday, I understand why my mother said I am simple and He is more complicated than me even though he doesn’t look so. Yet she said my relationship with him is complicated. By now I have stopped questioning myself and him in my monologue conversations why things between us stopped. The reason is simple, as there was no reason, as there was none to explain for the start of ‘me and him’ or ‘mine and his’.