July 13, 2009

I longed to see myself sitting on a train heading the South of France, with some chansons played from my iPod. It’s been out of battery now and there’s been so far no compatible charger. Yet, there’s live music, from the place I’m sitting. It is sung by a grandmother and her grandchild. They’re singing like playing a game, a conversation song which one another has to take turn after a sentence. You can imagine a bit by watching Coco Chanel or listening to some Café Paris CDs.


I didn’t really enjoy Paris for the last few days, not as I had imagined or expected. Sometimes, it’s hard to acknowledge that you’re in the capital of light, of culture or of fashion, the name it has been or was known for hundred years. Metro stations are old, dirty and some are full of junkies. I asked my friend when she came to Amsterdam if she had any problem living alone in Paris. I supposed people are easy to fall in love there, in the atmosphere. At least, like what I felt when I was there in the autumn of 2005. But now there is just tiredness on the metro seen from travelers. Imagine you have to travel from 45 minutes to one a half hour in hot, noisy metros, with strangers, real strangers, some arrogant, some ignorant in a big city.


French people, to my surprise can get married early, unlike Dutch. The colleagues in my friend’s office would feel sympathetic for her if they know that she’s single. She told me so yesterday when we sat for a Starbuck at La Defense, talking about here and there, now and the years when we were in the same talented junior school. I’m not sure if she’s one of the kind of a bit ‘nostalgic’. But it seems like some people have the quality of ‘fixed’ while they themselves can quickly get bored with things and relationship. Yet, there are some remains, with time. Travelling with time is somehow like travelling with train. It can take you from one place to another, very different. But during that journey, you don’t change much, you’re just in another point. Yet, it’s important to enjoy the journey, the starting, the ending and even a transit place.


Sometimes, especially now after the trip, I’m not sure that I will continue like being an independent woman, nor like my girl friends to be independent. Why doesn’t a girl just choose the broad, light and easy path? It’s a journey after all. There is no good being adventurous; I’m talking of having adventures alone. It can be dangerous sometimes. Do you want to prove, to show others that you are independent? Is it just for a name, another trivial mark you wear? There are several ways, still for people to know that you are strong, living a daily life. I fooled myself that I did not need anything, that I should not have any expectation, from anyone, even from family. I don’t know what was wrong with me. Perhaps because I expected too much, and when things did not go my way I had to teach myself all the living without expectation. I had told myself that I was an invulnerable creature. Somehow it reminds me of the saying I read long ago, that people who say they don’t need love are those who need it most.


I’m at Libourne now. I don’t know how this place is and where it is on the map of France. But I know I’m going to Bordeaux, where I have my cousin wait for me even though my trip was not for the purpose of visiting him. I have friends, family and people all around. Why thought that I didn’t need anyone? I need people, definitely, to live. There would be no ‘ifs’ as such if there’s no one around. There should be one. You’ll find one, if u keep yourself living in this beautifully ordinary life. The road will be broader, with adventures and uncertainties. Yet it will be better than being and travelling alone.