July 09, 2009

It might be happiness once decided not to follow a certain thing. At least, I know what is the most important to me, after all.

I don't clearly remember the sky, and the weather. At least it didn't rain that day. I worn a long skirt, a tank top but yet covering quite a lot and a red pair of high-heel shoes. It was warm on the train that later I took off a light black sweater. I didn't write indeed, from Amsterdam to Den Haag and later, on the whole journey to Paris not what I liked to imagine the picture of me, on the train writing.

There are girls who like the name of being independent, of being strong and adventurous, of being in several places, with experience, for 'living to tell'. I might like the name somehow when ppl think of me, yet I know indeed I don't want anything. I was just a spontaneous, emotional person and was desperate when buying a one-way ticket, to travel on the day. I chose that number 9. It was the birthday of the person I thought I loved. It was last year this time that I said 'happy birthday' to him, find and have a good gf and stayed till 4 o' clock in the morning, talking the whole night with the person gave me the definition that 'to love someone is to have pain, to feel hurtful' 5 years ago in a small city and small corners in a European country that not many ppl want to spend a holiday.

Having a one-way ticket is open. It leaves some adventurous opportunities but I just thought after all, I would come back to A'dam, to go to the office with my nice colleagues. Yet, I could leave everything and stay in Plum Village, the place I almost went last year, without the intention of going back. And when sitting beside the lotus pond, I sent a message to my mom and to him. I still want to live in that place, where expectation does not exist and there would only be peace and joy.

'I'll soon have my own trip this year. But this time I won't be alone. I'll have someone go with me in Barcelona but the trip in France I will travel alone. It's good that I have someone who reminds me taking medicine twice a day, who enjoys time and place with me. It is joy and yet it's happiness, with laughter and still something tender that I feel now. It's so important to me that I have someone but still have my own space. I'm aware and cherish the fact that I am no longer being emotionally attached to a particular one.' I wrote the letter with the ideas to my friend, a girl who is 4 years older than me, whom I only met once, who is adventurous but somehow in her, I feel the softness, the tenderness of being a girl, to be independent and yet, to be at least once had all the thoughts to someone.

And everything was like what I thought from the time I bought the ticket months 2 months before my journey to the time I met him at the station. He said 'see you in Barcelona' when going back home from my place. We did not intend to see each other. It was just because he forgot a few things. But I thought of seeing him a day before my trip. Yet, he is a rational person which makes me do less spontaneous or somehow in another word, desperate things. The train stayed at the station more than one minute after I got back. There were a few things that I gave him, things that he forgot and 'The boy in a striped pijama' that he bought online and lend me to read on the trains. I stayed there and I smiled at him. Seeing him I cannot be unhappy. It is somehow like I have to smile and to be happy almost every time I see his face. Even when he posed with a smile in our picture, it was still looks sincere. He wore a red T-shirt, the T-shirt that I saw at least one and a jacket that he just told me that he bought it himself in a market in Vietnam. But it looks fine and is warm. He lingered there till we the trains passed, having the battery charger in his hand. I suddenly cried. Everything of the journey, of having opportunity of hanging out with girlfriends in Paris, of being on my own, of having time for myself, of having adventures at once meant nothing. It was hurtful, stupidly hurtful as usual like my habit of dramatizing things, or not my things but just love. Just after a moment, travelling with him, being with him I could see is more important to me Why keep being on my own, having my own adventure while I have someone to share time, to enjoy places? But it was hurtful the thought of leaving him to be on my own. The thought that have been with myself for years, the thought that I could see the beauty of life that nobody could destroy it, of having a failed relationship when I needed a person besides me most. A lot of thoughts that have made me tell myself I would be and should be alone. A lot of thoughts which a girl can imagine and make for her some delusion that can prevent happiness or from having an ordinary life.

I sent him a message, knowing that he wouldn't be able to read it at that time since he left his cell phone at home. I was hesitating. But I wanted to. That was the only chance to tell him how I feel when we are not able to meet each other or to talk to each other. 'Next time I won't travel alone. I'll go with you.' There would be no if, like 'if you'd like to', 'if we have opportunities',... It was affirmative. And I know that once I decide something, it would be it. Yet I had never been decisive and determined in love. It does not only depend on me, but the other person. Love needs to be bi-conditional between two people so that it can be maintained. 'I'm drinking beer with my colleagues now. I've just had gym. When I saw you at the station, I just want to quit every thing to go with you.' It was a few hours when I received the message. I didn't expect that. Until then, I knew that if we wanted to be with each other, we could and there would be nothing preventing.
I only read a few lines from the book he gave me, listening to a few songs in my Top Rated from my iPod as it was almost out of battery. There was still sunlight when I got to Paris and a few minute later seeing my girlfriend waiting for me on the platform. I enjoyed the moment and a few days with her, like I've been learning to enjoy and to make the most of the moments.